Our Aspergers Teenage Boy

Tommy’s grandfather just picked him up for his Friday night at the grandparents. I just noticed what Tommy’s sneakers look like. Yuck. Grimy, torn and falling apart. He is at the front of the line for new shoes next time we have some extra money.

Tommy wandered the house moaning about needing a friend until the older brother of one of Noah’s friend’s came over to use the basketball goal out front. Tommy wouldn’t put down the big bag of stuff he was carrying long enough to play ball with the boys but instead paced around nervously until they got tired and all of them came inside to play N64. Tommy was so thrilled that he asked me if this older boy could spend the night. Translation – Make him stay longer please. I told Tommy he needed to just spend little bits of time getting to know the other boy before something as lengthy as a sleepover. I know Tommy was disappointed but it was better for me to be the bad guy than for the other boy to say no as I’m sure he would have done.

Dad doesn’t realize how much appreciate his efforts with Tommy. I know that he has tried harder and done more with Tommy than bio dad ever did. I know Tommy is hard. I remember that shortly after Doug and I got married, Tomy’s therapist called us in and warned us that marriage would be hard with a child like Tommy in the house. He advised Doug to not jump into being the disciplinarian and just spend time making friends with Tommy first. At the time I thought it sounded stupid. Parents must be their children’s parents first and friends second. Parents who try to hard to be their children’s friends frequently get priorities confused for everyone. But after watching Doug and Tommy butt heads so hard these past months I find myself reconsidering the doctor’s advice. I love Doug and I love Tommy and I would really like to see both of them happy more.

Today is an official day off from school. Tommy seems to be doing well albeit longing for friends. I have though many times “I would like to give Tommy friends” and I realize that I should start with me. Starting today I will quit being so authoritative toward Tommy and try harder just to be his friend. It won’t be easy but it should make things better around here.

Dad reports this morning:
* Tommy awoke 7:30ish (I think) and had his medicine. I asked him to play his Gameboy SP in his room since so many people were still asleep. When he and his 7 yr old brother start playing together they always make lots of noise. He stays there 30 minutes or so then starts complaining about heartburn and I tell him “eat some food breakfast because that might help but get dressed before you come out of this room” and he proceeds to howl and cry and agrue even after I explain that in the amount of time it takes him to argue, he could get dressed. I leave. He gets dressed and has breakfast. When he started raising his voice in front of the door where the baby sleeps I went drill sergeant mode on him briefly then remembered I am not supposed to do that. I really want to lighten up on Tommy
but its difficult. I need to try to see him through the same eyes I see his baby sister.
* Tommy is in the rocking chair now reading.