Dad reports:
Tommy writes: The world got into WWIII, got unorganized, and aliens from hdkiwfgtisevtgirftfuhjjergf, the capitol city of planet UUBERSHNOGHT in the bloonkergerderjerserblatty galaxy attacked and almost won because we were unorganized. Then people decided to organize things so that if aliens attacked again, we would fight them off easier. The aliens only eat purple tofu filled with blue spinach wrapped in moldy French toast soaked in Black Ink-flavored ice cream with rusty checkers pieces mixed into it. They attacked by sending giant robots, fueled by moldy milk with Japanese hornet poison and rotten diseased-rat steak mixed in, to smash buildings with their 800,000,000 ton hammers made of cheese that was allowed to age for 979756943765746746562347956235763427568765873658732658 millennia, and then it was frozen solid at -9999999999999999999999 degrees blorngfkend. Not that the aliens are smart-in fact, their IQ is the equivalent of -437743765976875398756387 they are just very, very, very, very, very, very lucky. Meanwhile, it turns out that they have accidentally put a germ on the robots that makes humanity stupid(er). Their language involves three barely distinguishable short burping noises. Experts (?) are quick to point out, however, that two of the three are insults, and the aliens concentrate (as much as possible-see IQ level) on volume.
Several people have tried to learn the alien language, since the alien sounds that are easiest to make are insults. Luckily, we were able to fight them off once the smartest of them all accidentally pushed the self-destruct all button (he was reaching for the “make cheeseburger” button which was 80 feet away from the button he was reaching for.) Even then we only fought them off because a friendly(not murderously hateful) race of super-intelligent giant cats with assault rifles that make their own ammo, are powered by kinetics, and are made of flow-metal, which can change shape and size. Even now, however, after 50 years the stupidity germ has not died out.